


uncertain kindness

by egg (strwpup)



Series: post episode works [1]
Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: F/F, M/M, caleb being a nervous wreck, cw emetophobia, eadwulf at vurmas outpost, the rest of the nein and some others are here in the background too, written frantically after watching c2e127
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-07
Updated: 2021-03-07
Packaged: 2021-03-13 15:15:45
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,527
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29903037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/strwpup/pseuds/egg
Summary: ikithon lets them go with only one order, take eadwulf with youor, caleb spirals and eadwulf stakes out vurmas outpost, some alternate thoughts on what could have happened after 127
Relationships: Beauregard Lionett/Yasha, minor fjorester, moderate shadowgast
Series: post episode works [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2198763
Kudos: 52





	1. jester

**Author's Note:**

> completely unabated, just needed to get this out as soon as it was done. hope you enjoy it!

“You are going to let me and my friends go. We need to make sure the world is still around if you want anything to rule.”

Jester still found herself unable to breathe. After spending the last hour trying to hold herself together as Caleb tore through guards with a viciousness she had never seen before, she was barely hanging on. Even now, Caleb seemed dangerously close to snapping. One hand had a white-knuckled grip on Allura’s staff, already lowering it in Trent’s direction. The other hand twisted strands of what she now understood starkly as dunamis. She could hear his labored breath from where she stood several feet away.

She never really believed she understood what he was thinking. She prayed to the Traveler that she would have an idea what was going through his mind now.

The air was overbearingly heavy as Caleb stared his abuser in the eyes. Any moment one of them would make a deal or start a fight, and Jester honestly didn’t know which would be worse.

Trent gave a crooked smile that thoroughly unsettled Jester. He stepped forward until he was inches away from Caleb. Veth readied her crossbow, just out of his line of sight. Jester prepared a heal for the moment things got out of hand.

“Bren,” Trent said, tsking at him. “Of course, I’ll let you go.” He settled a liver-spotted hand on Caleb’s shoulder. Jester didn’t miss the flinch. Time to deal with that after they were out safely.

“I have always wanted you to get stronger,” he continued. “So I will not stop you.” He squeezed Caleb’s shoulder. “I’m proud of how you’ve grown. I’ve heard excellent reports on what you’ve done today.” He smiled wider, showing off stained yellow teeth as Caleb gaped at him. “Go ahead, save the world. Just take Eadwulf with you.”

Caleb blinked a few times. “I had heard- where is he?” 

Trent turned to leave. “You were planning to return to the outpost before Aeor, yes? I will let him know to wait there for you.” Trent walked through the exit to the basement, turning to a guard. “Let your staff know Bren and his companions are not to be harmed under Archmage Ikithon’s authority.” The guard nodded, and Trent disappeared from sight.

The three of them stood in shocked silence for a minute. Veth reached for Caleb’s hand. “Cay-”

He pulled his hand away and began walking. “We can talk about it later. We need to go now.”

Veth gave Jester a concerned look before the two of them followed him out.

Things looked  _ bad _ outside of the building. A thick layer of fog hovered around the courtyard, centered on when she had last seen Fjord. “Veth,” she said, trying to keep her voice optimistic. “Can you message and make sure they’re okay?”

Veth nodded and pulled out her wire, sending messages in several directions. The fourth time she aimed at an angle to wear Beau should be standing watch. Her eyebrow raised as she listened to the response. 

“Beau can’t see anything,” she said. “She sounds rattled. We should go.”

They rushed after Caleb to the base of the tower Beau was at.

Caleb stalked around the base of the building before pointing his wire in the air. Moments later, Beau came sliding down, barely reaching the floor before pulling Caleb into a hug. He pulled away abruptly and spoke fast.

“We need to go. Now. If the other group hasn’t left yet, they can.” He scratched at the scars on his arm, eyes looking around at nothing. He spoke softer. “We need to go. Jester?”

Beau whispered Caleb’s name, asking if he was okay, but he made no sign he heard.

Jester felt terrible about it, but she had to put her foot down. We need to make sure they aren’t here. What if Caduceus is hurt?”

Caleb  _ laughed _ . “They won’t get hurt. Not when Ikithon commanded it. We need to go.”

Beau’s eyes widened. “You ran into Ikithon?”

Jester frowned, walking up to Caleb. “We need to make sure they got out. You said he twists words, right?” Caleb looked at the ground. “He only said not to hurt them. What if they got captured? What if he keeps them here?” She reached for his hand, trying to appeal to him. “What if he keeps them here, just like he-”

Caleb suddenly looked in her eyes, holding her wrist. “Listen to me, friend. Astrid said it would be hard to follow us, not that no one did. He said Eadwulf is at the outpost. They… they followed us to Essek. He’s going to-” Caleb choked on a sob and turned away.

Veth tapped Jester’s hip. “I’ll send a few more messages to double-check.”

Beau hovered behind Caleb, not sure what to do.

Veth waited for a response a few more times before shaking her head. Jester closed her eyes, blinking away some tears she didn’t know she had started crying. She drew in her friends teleporting to her home in Nicodranis.


	2. beauregard

A while later, the four of them were waiting in the room of Marion Lavorre. Caleb paced around the outside of the room, muttering mostly to himself.

Beau kept looking between him, her journal, and Jester’s mother. Marion had a hand covering her face as Jester continued catching her up on their journey.

She had begun telling the story when Marion had run to her room after hearing the commotion. Marion had panicked at her daughter’s injured friends and her clear difference in age, and Jester had panicked and started spilling everything that had happened. 

Marion was not taking most of the information well, but she kept up a mask for her daughter’s sake. That would definitely be a problem for later.

Beau tensed up when she heard the door open, reaching for her staff. She relaxed when she heard Caduceus and Fjord’s voices. 

Yasha came in first, rushing over to Beau and pulling her in a hug. Beau leaned into it heavily and held her tight. 

“I am so sorry we left you behind; I told them not to, but they didn’t hear me in time, and we couldn’t come back-”

Beau pressed her head into Yasha’s neck. “It’s okay, I understand. We’re here. It’s okay.”

Yasha pulled back and pulled out a small daisy crown. “It’s- it’s not okay, but. I made this for you.” She got quieter the more she spoke. “Oh, it is. It’s kind of crushed now. And it just occurred to me you might not like this kind of thing? And maybe this isn’t the time- You can say no-”

Beau took the crown into her hands. “It’s perfect, Yash.” She gingerly put it on her head and watched Yasha’s face light up. Yasha adjusted it and wiped some tears from Beau’s eyes before giving her a little kiss on the nose.

Beau felt herself blush. She looked away from Yasha, trying to hide some of that emotion.

Cad searched the room until he landed on Caleb. “Are you all okay?”

Caleb laughed hysterically. Instead of answering, he responded, “Please tell me you have sending prepared.”

Cad’s eyes flicked to where Jester sat close to tears. “No, I-”

“So we can’t do anything. I just have to- Excuse me.” Caleb burst through the room’s door and into the Chateau proper.

Beau pulled away from Yasha. “I’m sorry, I need to go after him. I don’t know-”

Yasha moved after her. “You don’t have to go alone. I’ll come with you.”

Beau pushed down the pang of affection that shot through her. “Are you sure? I’m sure Jes is about to go over what happened.”  
“That doesn’t matter to me. The Nein doesn’t need me to plan, and he won’t run from me. I’m going with you.”

“Oh,” Beau thought out loud. “Well. Okay then.” Yasha smiled at her softly and pulled her along. Beau didn’t even realize they had been holding hands, but she certainly wasn’t going to stop now.

They let the group know what they were doing and headed out, hand in hand.


	3. yasha

They finally found Caleb in an alley a few blocks away, dry heaving behind a garbage bin.

Beau called to him and ran to hold his hair back. When he finished, she helped lower him to the ground, where he pulled his knees to his chest.

“It’ll be okay,” she said to him. “He’ll be okay.”

Caleb lashed out at her. “How could you say that!” Beau backed away in shock. “He’s probably already dead. We didn’t think to check, and a scourger followed us to him. If they were waiting to kill him so the dynasty couldn’t blame them for the war, they now have an excuse  _ because of me _ . He told me not to use his magic there, and I disregarded that for my own satisfaction. And now that dunamancy has been used on Empire ground, they have no reason to keep him alive.” He pulled himself into a tighter ball. “I was reckless, and now we also can’t teleport to him. We can’t message to warn him. We can’t scry to see if he’s okay. We won’t know anything until tomorrow. He’s already dead, and I-” He dug the meat of his palms into his eyes.

Yasha still wasn’t sure what had happened in the Sanitorium. She did not completely understand what he was talking about, but. She understood feeling a loved one was suddenly gone. She understood guilt and grief.

Yasha sat next to Caleb and whispered. “Are you okay with being held right now?” He nodded, and she pulled him in. “We don’t know for sure. And we won’t know until tomorrow at least.” She started rubbing circles into his back. “It’s not your fault.”

Caleb choked on a sob. “I… He wouldn’t be in this much danger without me.”

Beau tried to hold back and failed miserably. Caleb shot her a look.

“I’m sorry, I’m not trying to dismiss what you’re going through or whatever. But have you seen Essek? He would have gotten in this much trouble without any of us if he had the chance.”

“That’s true,” Yasha said. “He was in trouble before we met him. And even if you have made mistakes that might not have helped, you can’t take all the blame if anything happens.”

Beau put a hand on the top of his knee. “But he will be fine. We aren’t letting him go just yet.  _ If _ something has happened, Jes will bring him back. And if that doesn’t work, we will find out where the hell he goes after death and drag him back. He has more to do here.”

Caleb nodded minutely, not saying anything.

“The best thing you can do for him right now is get some rest so we can get to him,” Yasha said.

“And take care of yourself,” Beau added.

Caleb cringed at that but settled more of his weight into Yasha and nodded.

“Are you ready to go back and sleep?”

In place of a response, Caleb started casting a spell. In moments, a long-haired amber cat was draping itself over Yasha’s shoulders and closing its eyes.


	4. eadwulf

Eadwulf was shocked that Bren had survived this long when no one in his group seemed to check for followers.

The group of Volstrucker he came with were only unable to follow due to the group spontaneously flying away. Eadwulf was never going to let Astrid forgetting to prepare polymorph down. 

He wasn’t even the only entity tracking the Nein, and they didn’t even know until the stranger knocked on their dome. To be fair to them, the stranger’s group didn’t see him either despite the disturbing number of eyes on them.

It had been a strange few months since Bren started showing up again out of nowhere. After Ikithon told him Bren had died in his botched escape attempt, he had abandoned hope. Eadwulf found solace in the Matron of Ravens, in the necessity of death. He had to find strength when all he had left was Ikithon and Astrid.

Then a different Bren showed up alive in Vergessen to see the beacon. He walked in happier than Wulf had ever seen him, longer hair ablaze and surrounded by friends. He didn’t hunch in on himself, but instead standing confidently, the scars on his arms visible.

Eadwulf found himself bitter in the weeks after. Why did Bren get the happiness and power they all wanted? Eadwulf had worked under Trent for 28 years now, and for what? Why didn’t he get to have that carefree freedom?

Then the group showed up again for dinner at Ikithon’s manor. He was… surprised, to say the least, how the Mighty Nein acted around each other. How they dared to act around the Archmage. 

It took a lot to calm Astrid down after Ikithon chose Bren over her. Again.

And then, Ikithon had told the two of them to follow north.

They were… perplexed, to say the least, to see Bren wasting high-level spells to toss his friends into the snow. To see him recklessly hurt himself trying to get a gem, seeing him disappear in the night and morph into strange beasts and huddle in with his friends with a cat around his neck.

Wulf wondered whether this was who Bren was supposed to be all along instead of the husk walking through Ikithon’s towers. He wondered for a moment who he would be if not for-

But there wasn’t time for that now. What was done is in the past. And the only path now was forward, keeping an eye on this strange collection of people.

Wulf watched them fight the stranger, unsure if he should step in. He saw Bren crash to the ground in a puff of snow, attention centered on him. He decided to look away.

The group moved on, and he followed them to a mountain. He followed them into the snow. He followed until he was just inside the border of a Dynasty settlement.

He gaped as the Shadowhand called off the guards from firing on the Nein. Stared as the tiefling near tackled him into the snow. Sat in wait as the Shadowhand led the group to his chambers.

Wulf had seen the Shadowhand a few times during the beacon exchange. He was a haughty crick, looking down on everyone he met. Thelyss thought he was smarter than the whole of the Empire, someone who would never think twice about Eadwulf standing guard behind him. He had no fear of Volstrucker. Not yet.

He also had a high bounty on his head. Eadwulf messaged Ikithon to see if there was a change in target. He would much rather take out the arrogant drow.

Ikithon gave the command to wait and watch, so Wulf called his familiar to get a better view.

It was quiet (too quiet not to be intentional) until the Nein started filing out and away. He got ready to tell the familiar to follow the group but stopped when he noticed Bren hanging back.

In the end, he wished he hadn’t.

Bren was still just as breathtaking as he remembered. He had grown into his face in the time since Wulf had been able to look this close. His eyes were somehow that brilliant crystal blue they had been back in Blumenthal before everything else had dimmed them. Bren had always been the pretty one.

The Shadowhand certainly seemed to notice. His breath seemed to ebb and flow at Bren’s whims, disappearing when he grabbed his forearm and coming back instantly at Bren’s command.

Eadwulf had a sudden pang of worry. Had this been what Ikithon was planning all along? Using Bren to keep the recently erratic dignitary under his thumb?

It would make sense. Bren may not have been as good at brawling as himself or as good at plotting as Astrid, but this? He was always good at this.

Wulf watched Bren hold the Shadowhand’s cheek with bile building in his throat until his old friend turned and walked away. He watched the Shadowhand lean after him before deciding against it and retreating to his room. Wulf got one more look at Bren before commanding his familiar to sneak into the Shadowhand’s room.

The Shadowhand collapsed onto his bed. He curled up into a ball. Eadwulf watched the Shadowhand of the Kryn Dynasty, dunamantic prodigy, the great Essek of Den Thelyss cry for a sobering moment.

It would be easy to attack him in this state, having already gotten past the outpost’s border. It would be easy to kill him. It would be easy to make it look like an accident. The longer he watched Essek cry, the more he realized it would be easy to make it look like it was on purpose.

Eadwulf got the order to take him out a few hours after dawn the next day.

It should have been relieving to hear that Ikithon wanted the Shadowhand dead. There had been meetings with the drow in which Eadwulf had only made it through by imagining this day. It would be just another threat to the Empire removed. It was another offense to his Goddess that needed to be blotted out of existence.

If Ikithon wanted him dead, it also meant Bren wasn’t manipulating him for their old master. He could still be dragging him along for his own means, but something about the way the tiefling and the firbolg (Caduceus, he remembered with a stark laugh) looked at the Shadowhand seemed to imply otherwise. 

If Bren wasn’t manipulating him, at least not intentionally, Eadwulf might have been witnessing something real between them. 

Before he could stop himself, he reimagined the scene in a different light. Not a play of power, but an honest attempt at relief. He remembered the Bren he went to Solstryce with. Sweet and sympathetic, sometimes optimistic to a fault. Wulf felt sick again that he assumed Bren would do something that low after gaining that freedom. He felt sick that Bren seemed to completely move on, with a new life, new friends, a new family, thinking nothing of himself and Astrid rotting away in Rexxentrum. As if the two of them were nothing to him. Maybe, Wulf realized, at this point, he and Astrid were getting close to being worth nothing at all.

His thoughts returned to the Shadowhand. To the way he cried until he slept, just like Wulf’s younger brother had frequently done before-

His thoughts returned to the Shadowhand, who Bren may care for, maybe more than Bren had ever cared for him.

His thoughts returned to Essek, a scared adult, just like him.

And he knew he would not kill him. And he knew that he was not ready yet to leave.

He disguised himself as Bren and headed for Essek’s chambers.   



	5. essek

Essek excused himself quickly at the noises of alarm from his guard. He tried to compose himself to diplomatically greet a group of yetis or anyone from the Nein’s long list of allies. Of the many, many creatures the Nein had told him to look out for, he did not expect to see a frantic Caleb preparing to knock down his door.

“Caleb, are you-” was all he could get out before Caleb hugged him tightly.

He wasn’t quite sure what to do. Caleb had never initiated a touch with him on this scale, and to be quite honest, he had only recently gotten used to hugs from Jester.

Jester, who, at that exact point in his thought process, attached herself to Essek’s side. “Ah, Jester, what is-”

Then Caleb’s hand was on his face, and any thoughts he might have had got derailed. He lifted his face until they were eye to eye and was preparing to speak when Beauregard chimed in.

“Eadwulf?” She said, with no small amount of confusion.

Caleb looked just to the left of Essek’s face, presumably where he had left the scourger with a glass of hot chocolate.

“Wulf?” Caleb asked softly before returning his attention to Essek, leaning back to scan his body. He spoke low enough that only he, Essek, and Jester could hear. “Are you okay? Are you… hurt anywhere, or do you think there might be any poison in your system-”

“I can cure poisons on you anyways, just to be safe,” Jester added.

“I… I am fine, my friends. Are you?”

“That man behind you is a scourger,” Caleb said.

“I know,” Essek responded.

“He is here to kill you.” Caleb continued, even softer.

“...I know.”

Caleb looked at him in confusion. Essek didn’t know what else to say, way too focused on the way one of Caleb’s hands still hadn’t left his sides. He used his other hand to move some hair out of Essek’s face, making him realize his hair must look a complete mess still. Essek moved one of his own hands to prestidigitate it, but Caleb immediately caught his wrist. When Caleb realized what he had done, he let it go.

“Is it okay if I do a greater restoration on you anyway? It’s like, totally no problem at all, and we have the supplies to-”

Essek was doubly concerned with Jester’s uncomfortably anxious state, definitely worse since he had seen her last, but he nodded regardless. She cast the spell instantly with the residuum she apparently already had in her hand. He felt it take hold and fizzle as it found nothing to restore.

“Whew,” Jester said, clearly trying to sound more stable than she felt. “We’re all good.”

“He hasn’t tried to hurt you?” Caleb asked. Essek shook his head. “Then why is he in here?”

“Ah,” Essek turned his head to where Eadwulf saw. The scourger waved awkwardly with the hand not holding the cup. “Well, it seems he knows you?” Caleb’s face dropped. “He… explained himself. He’s not going to hurt me.” Caleb’s brow furrowed tightly, and he just wanted to smooth it out. He still, unfortunately, did not know where and when he was allowed to touch Caleb back. “Caleb, did something happen?” After much debate, he put a hand on Caleb’s shoulder. 

That was the wrong choice by the way Caleb flinched back, so hard he escaped the reach of both Essek and Jester, backing directly into Yasha’s bulk muscle. He closed his eyes and pulled his arms in, hunching over. Essek reached out a hand before second-guessing and pulling it back. He heard a shift behind him and Beauregard almost growling at his guest to  _ sit down _ .

Caleb slowed his breathing and met Essek’s eyes again. Yasha whispered something to him, and he nodded, snapping Frumpkin into existence in his arms.

“I think we should let them talk,” Yasha said.

Beau looked between Essek and Eadwulf. “Is there somewhere else you can go? To talk alone?”

“Yes,” Essek said. He nodded at Wulf. “As long as you make sure the scourger stays alive and doesn’t make it out of this room.”

“We can do that,” Beau responded. She cracked her fists pointedly. 

“Alright then. Caleb?” He held out a hand to motion out of his room and to the left. Caleb took his hand, softer this time, and held it to his chest. Essek certainly didn’t want to lose that point of contact now. He orbited sideways to leave the room, gently pulling Caleb along.

He took Caleb into his study and sat him down on a couch, throwing up some dancing lights with one hand for him to see. He sat sideways on the couch next to him, one leg dangling off the side.

“What happened?” He asked.

“I thought you were dead.”

Essek turned his head. “Because of the Scourger.”

Caleb used the back of his other hand to wipe his eyes. “Because of me.”

He let that sit in the air for a moment. “So you brought him to me?”

“No, we didn’t know, we wouldn’t intentionally-”

“Then it wasn’t your fault.”

Caleb looked at him. “He followed me here. He would not know where you are without me.”

Essek squeezed his hand. “I can’t blame you for that.”

“You should.”

“I won’t. Do not ask me to.”

Caleb looked down. “That’s not all. I… I used dunamancy in the empire. I was reckless with all of my spells, and if Ikithon hadn’t told me-”

“You saw Ikithon?”

Caleb’s head snapped up. “Yes. But that doesn’t-”

Essek tried to consider reasons for that to happen. Especially with Vess’s death, none of the options sounded good. “Where were you?”

“...Vergessen.”

Essek had only been there a handful of times, but by the way, Caleb reacted to just saying it; he had a sinking feeling his friend was connected.

“So, you had to face an Archmage, and you panicked?”

“No, I- It was before. I went a little off the handle. Then he found us and told us Eadwulf was here, and I didn’t have any spells to get to you, and Jester couldn’t message you, and Caduceus couldn’t scry, and I thought you were dead because of me for a day.”

Essek could feel the speed of his heart from where Caleb still held his hand. He moved his lights to highlight his own face a little better. “I’m here, Caleb. If I had died, it would’ve been for my errors, despite yours. And to be honest, you are the reason I’m still alive.”

“What?” Caleb refocused on him. “How?”

“As far as I understand, Eadwulf was going to kill me before he saw you. It was only because he saw your kindness with me that he changed his mind.” He made sure he was meeting Caleb’s eyes. “If he found me independently, I would be dead.”

Caleb processed that, still holding Essek’s hand steadily. When it got almost to the point Essek was worried Caleb wouldn’t speak at all, his friend whispered just loud enough to hear.

“Well then. I am glad I decided to give you kindness that day.”

Essek smiled at him. “I very much am as well.” He looked at the dark circles under Caleb’s eyes. “Maybe today you should give some kindness to yourself.”

Caleb’s mouth quirked into a frown as he looked at his soot stained fingers. “I am not sure I know how to do that anymore.”

“Then… maybe you should allow me.” Essek held his breath, waiting for a response.

Caleb looked up at him again, refocusing in the soft dancing lights. “Is that not one and the same?”

“Maybe it is.” Essek took the hand still in Caleb’s and twisted it around to intertwine their fingers. “I think I will try regardless.” He pressed a kiss, barely a brush of lips, against Caleb’s knuckles. 

Caleb gaped at him for several seconds. Essek was moments away from taking it back when Caleb placed his other hand on the back of his neck. “All we can do is try, ja?”

Essek nodded, not sure what he was agreeing with. Regardless, he went willingly when Caleb pulled him in for a kiss. 


End file.
